My Chill Pinterest Twin

7) Update My Style:  One of the reasons I put “update my style” on the list is that I’ve had the same pair of glasses since 2007.  Because I only wear them at night, they are coated in all the various potions that I have applied to my face before bed since 2007, including Retin-A and benzoyl peroxide.  The other problem with the old glasses is that they had a zigzag pattern of rhinestones on the temple.  This was cool in 2007 (I think) but by 2014, half of the rhinestones had fallen out. 

No problem, if I’m only wearing them for the 30 minutes between when I take out my contacts and when my head hits the pillow. Donnie is the only person that sees me and he doesn’t care that I’m missing a few rhinestones.  But every year or so, my contacts will start to irritate my eyes and I’ll have to wear the offending glasses to work. 

Here is the really embarrassing part.  Before I would wear them to work, I would take a brown magic marker and cover up the white film from the face product.  Last December, I couldn’t find a brown marker so I used black which gave the whole thing a sweet tortoiseshell look. 

Then I wore them running and my sweat caused the magic marker to run down my face. 

Have I driven home the point that it was time for a new pair of glasses? 

I found this gal on Pinterest two years ago and thought she sort of looked like me and that her glasses were cute:

I’ll admit that this style of glasses is no longer cutting edge and I’m probably jumping on the bandwagon right at the end of the parade, but here are my new specs:

 

15) Join a Book Club: I haven’t said much about my book club on here, but we’ve been meeting since February and in all seriousness it has seriously enriched my life.  There is nothing more satisfying than a substantive conversation over a glass of wine.  

4) Loosen Up:  Speaking of Book Club, on Thursday, we were scheduled to meet at my house at 7:00 and at 2:30 I got a text from Donnie that a pop-up storm had knocked out the power to our entire neighborhood.  When I got home from work around 5:00, the power was still out.  I had made a lovely pesto orzo with zucchini and feta and I was crushed at the thought of it rotting away in my fridge, which I could tell was beginning to thaw out because of the puddles of water accumulating on the floor.  Also, I really didn’t want to serve lukewarm drinks. 

The worst part was, I hadn’t vacuumed in three days and I was faced with the prospect of having company come over and see my dirty floors. 

I had a moment where I had a conversation with myself that went like this:  “Now is a good time to practice loosening up.  Be Zen about this and accept that none of these things are that big of a deal.  Nobody cares about your floors.  Orzo is delicious at room temperature.  We can drink red wine instead of white, and talk about Unbroken over candlelight.”   

Instead, I paced the living room frantically wringing my hands and willing the lights to come back on. 

Which they did at 6:25.  Thanks to all my hand wringing. 

I think part of my problem with #4 is that I don’t really want to loosen up.  Being uptight is part of my personality.  Why change that?  What possessed me to put this on the list?

Besides, if I were suddenly relaxed all the time would you even recognize me?  Or would you mistake me for my chill Pinterest twin?  

 

 

From the looks of her, she probably doesn't vacuum before Book Club. 

-K.

The Unathorized Practice of Medicine. And a Maxi Dress.

1)   Run a half marathon:   The good news is, I don’t have a stress fracture.  The bad news is, my doctor put me in my place for attempting the unauthorized practice of medicine.  Remember that MRI image that I used to diagnose myself with a stress fracture? 

 

Not a stress fracture.  Scratch that.  It was a stress fracture.  TEN YEARS AGO. 

This was my old stress fracture.  Long healed.  Had it been a current stress fracture, it would have been bright white on the MRI.

What I did have was a mild case of capsulitis of the hip and a bad case of hypochondria.  One of these ailments was cured within seven days using a steady course of ibuprofen.  The other is more chronic. 

(Guys, I almost went and bought crutches!  The doctor already thought I was crazy.  Imagine what he would have thought if I had hobbled in to have my MRI results read with crutches under my armpits.)

So now that the inflammation of my joint capsule has subsided and my hypochondria is under control for now, I am back to running.  My plan is to run the Queen Bee--ladies only!--half marathon in October.

Unless something else sneaks up on me. 

11) Join Toastmasters:  One of the reasons I didn’t go to Walgreens and buy a pack of crutches before having my MRI results read is because I knew that I had to give my first Toastmasters talk on May 19^th.  Let me clarify—the main reason I didn’t buy crutches is because I’m cheap.  A secondary reason is because I didn’t want to have to crutch my way to the podium to deliver my first speech.   

I was nervous ahead of time, but it went pretty smoothly and I look forward to my second speech, which I’m calling “How to be the Life of the Party: An Introvert’s Guide.”  

While I can talk all day about being an introvert, I have no idea how to be the life of the party so I’m open to suggestions here. 

I asked Donnie for ideas and the best tip he could come up with was “Don’t stand at the appetizer table and stuff your face.” 

So far my speech reads like this:  “Show up.  Don’t stuff your face.”

Obviously, I’ve got a lot of work to do. 

 

5)  Plant My Own Herbs:  Ever since the end of February, Donnie has been pestering me about getting some mulch for the yard.  I kept telling him that since it was our first year in the house, we should skip the mulch and just see what comes up naturally.

Actually I think what I really said was that if I heard the word “mulch” one more time before the Ides of May I would blow a gasket.

I’m glad we waited because we had some nice surprises: peonies, lilies, bleeding heart, lots of pretty ground cover. 

What didn’t sprout spontaneously was a big basil bush, but I realize that would have been asking too much. 

So yesterday I went to Lowe’s and got a few packets of seeds:

I sprinkled all three seed packets into a pot with some potting soil and put ¼ inch of soil on top.  One pack probably would have done the trick but I really want a GIANT BASIL BUSH and I figured three packs will make me three times as likely to succeed.  I've watched enough TLC shows about multiple births to know how these things work. 

The little pot is not chives, by the way, it’s one of many succulents I loaded onto my flatbed at Lowe's.  These are the only kind of plant I’ve ever had any success at keeping alive long term and I figured a new batch of them might inspire my little basil seeds to sprout. 

7) Update My Style:  Being five feet tall presents a few style challenges.  Jeans, for example, are usually a disaster that require expensive alterations or a classy “roll em up”.

But the most elusive piece is the maxi dress.  I’ve tried on maxi dresses before and stared sadly in the dressing room mirror at yards of fabric pooling at my feet.  It seems silly to pay for alterations on what might as well be a bathing suit coverup.  So needless to say, the maxi dress trend train has rolled right by me for the past three years. 

Until I discovered the “adjustable” maxi dress:

This one from Old Navy has a drawstring around the rib cage that I can manipulate in such a way that the whole thing barely brushes the floor once I’ve put on heels.  It’s not perfect, but it’s a maxi dress.

While at Old Navy, I also found this stretchy cotton A-line for $10.  I think these skirts were intended for hipsters to tuck their striped shirts into, but I wore mine to work with a leopard print blouse and a black cardigan:

30) Give up Diet Coke:  A few weeks ago I went to a daytime birthday party and there were multiple 2-Liter bottles of Diet Coke, tall Styrofoam cups, and an ice bucket.  In the past, this combination would have been an invitation for me to consume my weight in the brown stuff.  Instead, I had a bottle of Poland Spring.    

And then felt like I deserved some kind of medal.  Because nothing will make a person feel self-righteous like 1) turning away from their vices and 2) consuming their recommended daily intake of water. 

This is the year.

 

 

-K.

9) A Trip to the Taft

 

It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a museum.  I used to go to museums all the time but burned myself out during the four years I spent pursuing an interdisciplinary studies degree that I pretentiously titled “The Sociology of Art.”  There were times when I would go to a museum and just walk around pretending to be in a Woody Allen movie. 

After college, I discovered that I got just as much pleasure scrolling through Kelly’s Korner in my pajamas as I did fake-nodding at art in an exhibit hall.  I moved home to the Midwest and unceremoniously exchanged the high arts for episodes of Jon and Katie Plus 8 and a stack of Jennifer Weiner novels. 

Please note:  this is not the Midwest’s fault.  I live in a city with a world-class arts scene.  I was just being lazy. 

Anyway, I’m growing up, and with adulthood comes the responsibility of participating fully in society.  This is the year. 

On a lovely Sunday in May I met three of my favorite ladies at the Taft Museum of Art, which sits on the edge of Downtown in Lytle Park.  I was a little early (I have OCD, I’m always a little early) so I took a few smug selfies to mark my return to the fine arts.

The 1820’s Greek Revival building and its landscape could stand alone as an attraction.  The day we went, the peonies were blooming and the courtyard was lushly green. 

 

 

 

 

The special exhibition was called The Threads of Heaven: The Silken Legacy of China’s Last Dynasty. 

The Eight (blurry) Buddhist Emblems:

The Taft Museum was built as a private home and it is neat to imagine the Tafts walking around in their bare feet and sweatpants.  Which they probably didn’t do.  This was well before “Celebrities Just Like Us”. 

Two of my favorite paintings in the main collection are the portraits of the saucy Queen Maria Luisa of Spain and Duveneck’s Cobbler’s Apprentice. 

 

While we were enjoying the artwork, Maggie reminded us of the time in junior high when she brought home a pencil drawing of a dinosaur that she had done in art class.  Carol thought it was so great that she had it framed and displayed it in the living room.  A few weeks later it came out that Maggie had had more than a little “help” from the teacher. 

Basically the teacher drew the dinosaur. 

I may or may not have been the one to let the cat out of the bag. 

Our lack of artistic integrity may have been the reason Carol was SO MAD at us when we decided to break out the paints and paint an exterior wall of their house a weird cream color. 

Luckily, Maggie and Carol resolved their artistic differences. 

 

After touring the museum, we felt so peaceful and inspired that we ended our visit with a little courtyard yoga:

 

 

I can pretty much guarantee the Tafts would have approved.

 

 

-K.

#25) Make a Craft from Pinterest

Let me be honest:  I pin a lot of food that I have no intention of cooking and a lot of decor that I don’t have the means to purchase.  I'm not alone here, right?  It should be evident that a woman’s pin boards are not really “bookmarks” of things they plan to do in the near future, but are a collection of images that represent the life they’d live if they suddenly found themselves with a bunch of extra time and money. 

I figured I would make a small contribution towards changing that by hosting a “Pinterest Craft Night.” 

It was Danielle’s idea to make tile coasters, which she had previously crafted on her own.  Here is a picture of the project as it looks on Pinterest:  
 

 

Cute, right?

I invited six girls and prepped a roasted cauliflower and aged cheddar dip.  The cauliflower dip didn’t look quite like its pin, but that probably had more to do with my photography skills and poor presentation than the dip itself:

 

 

The tile coasters are so easy to make.  You only need a few things:  white ceramic tiles (16 cents apiece at Lowes!), Mod-Podge, sponge brushes, scrapbook paper, felt, scissors, and a can of spray-on acrylic coating. 

 

I also had an old stack of Cincinnati Magazines that I thought would be neat to cut up and use as decoration on the coasters.  I texted this idea to Danielle ahead of time and she warned me that the paper might be a little too thin and would possibly wrinkle.  I didn’t listen.

Turns out, the magazine paper was a little too thin, and it did wrinkle.  But it was cute and I wouldn’t hesitate to use it again. 

I would detail the instructions here, but this project is so ridiculously easy you can probably figure it out without a tutorial.  Basically you cut up some paper or magazines, use the sponge brush to adhere the paper to the tiles with Mod-Podge, put felt on the bottom so the coasters don’t scratch your tables, take it outside and spray the whole thing with acrylic coating.

Here they are, a bunch of civilized crafters, planning their motifs:

 

Two hours and two bottles of wine later, the dining room looked like a scene from Grey Gardens.    

 

But we each had a new set of coasters:

 

Check out Ashley’s Brandon Phillips theme on the left center and Danielle and Katie's wrinkle-free coasters on the bottom right.  And Maggie’s fresh pedicure in the corner. 

Here are mine:

 

(Wrinkly)

Sidebar:  In college I was obsessed with collage, and even spent (i.e. wasted) two college credits taking a class called “The Arts: Collage and Mixed Media.”  Believe it or not, that course is on my official transcript.  Ten years later, propped up on my bookshelf, is one of the projects that I turned in for my final:

 

Yup, that’s a naked woman framed by a cutout photo of my hands holding two miniature turtles.

Sidebar to the sidebar:  “Collage and Mixed Media” was not the only ridiculous class I took.  While some people were gaining actual skills to be used in the real world, my Fall 2004 lineup looked like this:

I would say that I don’t know how I earned an A minus in a class called “The Existential Imagination”, except that for my take-home exam I turned in three collaged canvases that I professed to be a “triptych” of my quarter life crisis. 

WTF.  

It may seem like this post has strayed far from my original discussion of Pinterest’s unrealistic portrayal of our best selves, but it’s all related.   In a very basic sense, Pinterest is a collage of half-baked hopes for the future.  A collage of the life we’d live if we didn’t have to work for money.  Or the life we’d live if there were no social problems to solve and we could succumb entirely to the kind of self-centeredness that that "This is the Year" and "Fall 2004" may seem to advocate.  Maybe Pinterest doesn't represent our best selves at all, but is instead a more selfish and more materialistic version of our actual selves. 

Or maybe I’m over-thinking it and Pinterest is just a collage that doesn’t require any Mod-Podge.   

Let’s go with that. 

 

 

 

-K.

 

129 Days In And Still Not a Doctor

23) Spring Clean:  In general I maintain that if cleaning the house requires more than vacuuming and sanitizing, life is out of control.  I always always always try to have things “picked up” so that when it comes time to clean, there is nothing to do except wipe down surfaces and sweep up the dog hair.

For example, right now there is an empty water glass next to the sink that I can see out of the corner of my eye.  And I’m a little bit irritated because there is no reason for it not to be in the dishwasher. 

You may be thinking to yourself, “This woman is a control freak.” Or maybe, “Her poor husband must be must be ready to snap.” 

Or maybe you're thinking, wow, that's my kind of lady .

Anyway, to me, the essence of spring cleaning is moving all of the furniture and cleaning behind it.  The plan is to get in the habit of doing this on an annual schedule. 

This year, I happened to schedule this right before Donnie’s marathon.  He had taken the day off work to “rest up” and was less than thrilled to find out he had been drafted for heavy lifting.  Although he acquiesced and helped me move the furniture, he couldn’t risk getting on his hands and knees and performing what he calls a “Cinderella clean.”  These pictures picture pretty much sum up how the afternoon went:  

 

Admittedly, spring is a horrible time to have to deep clean because there are a hundred things that would be more fun to do on a temperate, sun-shiny day.  But when we were I was done the house felt extra clean and a great feeling of satisfied relaxation washed over my entire body.   

This feeling lasted for approximately three seconds, which was how long it took me to discover that while I was cleaning the living room, Emer had gotten into the attic, dipped his paws in soot, and then stood on every white windowsill in the house.  This is slightly less offensive than putting his a-hole on the dining room table, but still required another round of frantic scrubbing. 

 

1)  Run a half marathon:  I went to the sports doctor this week for my suspected stress fracture.  He recommended that I get an MRI, which I did this morning.  The MRI technician sent me home with a disc of my images, which I was able to open up on my laptop and peruse.  Although I’ll have to wait until next week to get my official results, this looks like a fracture to me:

 

 

I’m not a doctor, but I can tell you that the bone on the other side did not have a big black crack on it. I would show an image that included the other side, but then you’d also have to see my bladder and my ovaries and that would be TMI.    

12) Buy in Bulk:  By this point in this post, it's become pretty evident that I have not done a good job of "loosening up", which was also on the list for this year (#4).  The good news is, I have a bunch of LaCroix:
 

 

And there is no debris behind the couch. 


-K.

 

Officially (Literally) Lame

A few signs that I am officially (literally) lame:

1)      It’s Friday night and I just spent two hours researching—and hoping that I have—bursitis.  

2)      I had scrambled eggs for dinner and bananas for dessert. 

3)      Bananas.

4)      I can't figure out how to turn on the television:

Although this blue screen is maddening, it might be an indication that I am close to cutting off the cable (#31).

Donnie knows how to turn on the tv, but he’s out in the world socializing like a normal person on a Friday evening. 

A few updates:

6) Study Yoga:  I bought a new Groupon to the Bikram Yoga studio in Madisonville.  Of all the yoga practices I’ve experimented with this year, this is the one that gets me closest to Zen.  Maybe because the temperature in the room is set at 110 degrees and the heat causes me to slip in and out of a hallucinogenic state.  It’s like a sweat lodge.  And when I’m done, don’t bother trying to have a conversation with me because I’ll be catatonic for at least several hours afterwards.  I made the mistake of meeting some friends for lunch after my second class and I could barely string together a sentence as I shoveled food and water down my gullet. 

1) Run a Half Marathon:  I tried, I really did.  But after my third week of 9 + mile Sunday long runs, the dull, hollow ache of an impending stress fracture crept into my hip. I’m going to the sports physician on Thursday.  Best case scenario is bursitis (see above). 

15) Join a Book Club: I’ve successfully hosted two sessions of “Books and Booze” and have been reading my way through Unbroken, which is the selection for May’s event. 

7) Update my Style: This is the best outfit I’ve managed to put together lately.  None of these pieces are new.  Two of them were purchased from Goodwill (shoes and jacket) and the flimsy little dress is from Target.  Pure class.

11) Join Toastmasters: Two meetings down and I’m scheduled to give my “Icebreaker” speech on May 19^th.  I was originally going to do a bit called “My Life in Spreadsheets” but it felt like a cry for help.  Speaking of spreadsheets, I created a point system to track my progress towards the thirty-one things I have to accomplish this year.  In case you think my lack of posts on my progress means I've not made any, here is evidence that I've been busy:

 

Booyah.

 

22) Entertain (An April Baby Shower)

Does the party have to be at your house to get credit for “entertaining”?  We had Jennie’s baby shower at Carol’s house and it was a good thing because the weather was beautiful and I’ve yet to stain my deck and purchase some patio furniture.  It was lovely, to say the least. 

 

 

 

 

Although the event wasn’t at my house, I did provide creative consulting and help with set up.  Pinterest did most of the work.  Just kidding, Maggie and Carol did. 

Most of these photos were taken by the mom-to-be herself, who is a much better photographer than I am.